Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

grotesque if literal: baby food

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

this is what they would have looked like, though

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.