Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

every raccoon you see is currently on parole

Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?