Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
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it be like that
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.