Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

lmao😭🤣

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority

Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?

Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]