so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
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80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing