The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
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Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
