Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss