Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you

ALEXA: he’s right kids relax

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.

we only have two cats.

Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

i meant to share this earlier

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word