I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”
anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
playing pool? you mean swimming?
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
