I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
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Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
john wicks are toilet candles
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
New favorite tiktok
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap