– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
You Might Also Like
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s