Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
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Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
#oldknees
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
If you had more money you’d be happier.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in