I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
