If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Oh no
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what