When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
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my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”