I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
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[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
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