Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Just added something to my bucket list.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
a badder mouse
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell