Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t catch a break

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

Skills

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

Nice try, NASA

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!

Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*

B Boys: not like that

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*