Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
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Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.