gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
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If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
There’s always that one guy
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?