Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

if my sleeping schedule was a person

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

Dumplings,

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

Its a hippotatomus

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.