In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
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I like long walks away from everyone
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
shampoo implies shampee
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
These are my emotional support Pringles.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I feel seen
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?