Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
You Might Also Like
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Become ungovernable.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
He-man has a Masters degree
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”