Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia

Me: what’s that???

Doctor: exactly what it sounds like

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?

like hello i was also brave today

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.