PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
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Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!