Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
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I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*