7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
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[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
I have so many questions.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
