Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to

According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

reverse psychology? that’ll never work

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap

who’s gonna tell her?

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.