There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
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Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*