So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
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Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
A dating app called Unhinged where you agree to meet up and fight each other.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.