I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
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Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”