I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
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Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.