Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
so i’m at the stock market right
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994