Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
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I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
He a real one for that
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped