Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

Me: what are we doing today

Trainer: let work on your forearms.

Me: but I only have 2

T: What?!?

Me: *whispers* I only have 2?

*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day

Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak

Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?