Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
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I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
this is the best day of my life
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem