date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
You Might Also Like
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I’ve disappointed better people.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣