Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

Parenting Tip:

Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.

“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”

“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”

“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds

Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!