Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
that’s really how it is
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Me: It’s so good to have time off to write!
Neighbor: It’s chainsaw day, bitches!
Ugh.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
i can’t wait that long
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.