The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
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When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
There is no try. There is only give up.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”