Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”

Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

No one:

Absolutely no one:

Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.

having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that