One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
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My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Gods work.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one