Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

I’m going to need a moment here.

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

Blocked: 1985

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

Her: come on over

Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe

Her: but I’m alone

Me: aren’t we all