Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

I hate when that happens.

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

Simple enough.