Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

History fun fact:

In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.

When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.

Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.