Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

Hot hot hot 🥵

I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)

Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*

Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”

7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”

Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”

7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.