oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
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Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN