Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

Sounds like a real hoot.

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.

I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.

me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs