My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
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Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Jurassic park gets weird
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I feel seen
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.