Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

hair coloring options for women:

out of a box = $12.99

going to a hair salon = $7,000

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding

Me: I- I gotta know

Cashier: know what?

Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.

scan me

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

All excellent questions

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.