100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
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There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
#dnd #ttrpg
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I want to meet the individual who made this
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.