jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
You Might Also Like
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
May never get over this
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*